Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Admit it!! I know you've done it!

My last blog post was kind of a downer for me. I'm not going to focus my energy on Mr. Shit-for-brains today. Today is going to be about laughter. I'm letting it all hang out.. screw it!

On with the subject for today. I've noticed that most women will not admit to certain "not so ladylike" activities. I guess it's the way that most of us girls were brought up. Take for instance, peeing in the shower. Most women presented with the question "Have you ever peed in the shower" answer like this.

Oh my, heavens no!

Come on girls... admit it! You know you've done it at least once in your life!!

I've peed in the shower before. There, I admitted it!!

Was I going to get out of a nice warm shower, walk clear across the bathroom, drip water all over the place (while freezing my ass off), sit down on the toilet while my ass is slipping back and forth on the toilet seat just to take a pee? Hell no!

Sure.. I could have dried myself off, but damn it.. I had to pee NOW! So sue me!

Men don't have any problem admitting it.

Then you have the whole farting issue. I know some people even have a problem with the word fart. Flatulence, fanny bubble, fecal cloud, cushion creeper, butt trumpet, back draft.. no matter what you call it, it's still just a fart to me.

I was working with a girl a few years ago who was presented with the question, "Have you ever farted." (When you work in a male dominated field they have fun asking questions like this). I do have to mention that before they presented the question to her they had already asked me the same question and she didn't know it. Of course my answer was "yeah, what of it?" But anyway.. the girl answered with a resounding "NO!" Well, the men ate that up. They were on her relentlessly. Come on... it is physically impossible to never fart. Women fart just as much as men. It's just that men take more pride in it than women do.

I've had my fair share of sphincturbulence. It always happens at the most inopportune times too. I hate that! I can remember being at jury duty one time, my stomach was growling, I had to fart, I ended up with a tickle in my throat and began coughing. What a fucking day!

And don't tell me that you've never itched your ass. I don't care how prissy and sweet you are, you've had an itch there at some point in your life! You did the same thing I did. You looked both ways to make sure no one was looking, grabbed your husbands toothbrush, and took care of that itch. Oh, that was too gross even for me.... I might not have used his toothbrush, but damn it I took care of that itch.

I guess what I'm trying to say with this less than savory blog post is.. be free girls. You're only human.

Say it loud and proud.........

"Yeah, I fart. What of it?"

"Yeah, I pee in the shower. Got a problem with that?"

and finally.. "Yeah, I itch my ass. And if you don't like it.. PISS OFF!"

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm Back In The Saddle Again!

It's been nine long months since the last time I added an entry to this blog. Can you believe that?? Nine months!! Though I do have an excuse for my absence. I was abducted by aliens and relentlessly probed for nine long months. Just kidding, working and blogging is just to damned difficult. My hat goes off to all of you faithful bloggers. To all of you that barely miss a day without an entry.. I tip my glass to you. I only have one question for you. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO IT?? But any-who, my construction season has finally ended and I'm back in the saddle again. So let's get on with it!! Let the foul mouth, truth spewing, bitch fest begin!! YEEHAW!

I looked up a couple of definitions this morning in regards to the person that will be the main topic of my blog entry today. This is what I found.

Main Entry: ass·hole
Pronunciation: \ˈas-ˌ(h)ōl\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 usually vulgar : anus
2 usually vulgar : a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person.

(slang), (mildly vulgar) One who has not figured out how to have fun. Someone who is so worried about little insignificant things as to ruin any fun that anyone around them may be having.

a person who is an idiot and shows it all too well.

I read the definitions very carefully, weighing one against the other. I had to think this through... which of these definitions fit?

When out of the clear blue sky.. I had an epiphany!!

This person, I will so lovingly refer to as "Mr. Shit-for-brains", fit all three!

Who is Mr. Shit-for-brains you ask? He's a coworker of mine. I'm only going to say "coworker", but I'm sure if he ever read this blog, or if anyone I work with ever read this blog, they'd know who I was talking about. I mean.. it's really not that hard to figure out. If you knew Mr. Shit-for-brains.. you'd understand.

Let me fill you in a bit. I want to help you get a feel for Mr. Shit-for-brains. The first time I met him was a real treat. Typically, when one individual meets another individual, there will be an exchange of words.
This is how our first meeting went.

Me: "Hello, My name is Mrs. Gripe. How are you doing today?"

Mr. Shit-for-brains: (Monotone voice) "Hi" (Followed by a blank stare)



(Very uncomfortable silence)

Me: "Well.. it was nice meeting you."

Mr. Shit-for-brains: (Monotone voice) "Yeah" (Blank stare continues)

Me: (Inner voice) "What the fuck was that??"

I've seen several of my coworkers try to tell Mr. Shit-for-brains a joke. Big mistake! He sits there and tries to analyze the joke. Never cracks a smile. He is completely socially retarded. His ass cheeks are clenched so tight, if you bent him over you couldn't even fit a Tic Tac up his ass.

Another thing I really hate about him is how rude he can be. He is so inconsiderate. I'll give you an example of how rude he is. One day I saw Mr. Shit-for-brains running all over the office like someone had dipped his balls in kerosene. I'm thinking to myself, "what's this idiot up to now?" I shook my head, ignored the idiot, and continued writing my report for the day. Then out of the blue, my pen gets ripped out of my hand in mid sentence. I was quite stunned to say the least. I looked up, and it was Mr. Shit-for-brains. He was examining my pen like a Forensic Scientist. I held back my anger and asked him calmly, "what are you doing?" The boss lost his pen and I'm trying to find it for him. Right then and there I wanted to punch his face in. But instead of following my urge to rip his head off.. I looked at him with disgust and told him to give me MY pen back so I could get back to work. He gave me my pen and then turned and started rifling through my office desk drawers. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS ASSHOLE??? I felt like I was under a criminal investigation. I can't even tell you how pissed off I was. Believe me, if I was going to take something.. it wouldn't be a fucking pen! The nerve of this idiot!

I wish you could see how he acts around me compared to how he acts around the boss. He's such a fake, brown-nosing, fucking idiot! He's so far up the bosses ass it makes me want to puke. I mentioned earlier that when someone tells a joke.. he just sits there, picking it apart. No smile, no laughter. You should see him when the boss tells a joke. Oh my, he laughs and laughs like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. Fucking moron.

There is no way I can mention all the things that this dickhead has put me or any of my coworkers through in one blog post. All I can say is that I'm soooooo happy to be laid off for a couple months. Just to get a break from him is a blessing. I don't think I could take much more. I've even been considering putting my name in with another company because of this asshole. I don't think I can put up with him for another year. Hell, you can't even tell the boss about him because he acts like two different people. He's one way around us and a totally different person around the boss.

I think there's going to be a "Mr. Shit-for-brains series" evolving in this blog. I need to get ALL the shit he's pulled with me off my chest.