Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Admit it!! I know you've done it!

My last blog post was kind of a downer for me. I'm not going to focus my energy on Mr. Shit-for-brains today. Today is going to be about laughter. I'm letting it all hang out.. screw it!

On with the subject for today. I've noticed that most women will not admit to certain "not so ladylike" activities. I guess it's the way that most of us girls were brought up. Take for instance, peeing in the shower. Most women presented with the question "Have you ever peed in the shower" answer like this.

Oh my, heavens no!

Come on girls... admit it! You know you've done it at least once in your life!!

I've peed in the shower before. There, I admitted it!!

Was I going to get out of a nice warm shower, walk clear across the bathroom, drip water all over the place (while freezing my ass off), sit down on the toilet while my ass is slipping back and forth on the toilet seat just to take a pee? Hell no!

Sure.. I could have dried myself off, but damn it.. I had to pee NOW! So sue me!

Men don't have any problem admitting it.

Then you have the whole farting issue. I know some people even have a problem with the word fart. Flatulence, fanny bubble, fecal cloud, cushion creeper, butt trumpet, back draft.. no matter what you call it, it's still just a fart to me.

I was working with a girl a few years ago who was presented with the question, "Have you ever farted." (When you work in a male dominated field they have fun asking questions like this). I do have to mention that before they presented the question to her they had already asked me the same question and she didn't know it. Of course my answer was "yeah, what of it?" But anyway.. the girl answered with a resounding "NO!" Well, the men ate that up. They were on her relentlessly. Come on... it is physically impossible to never fart. Women fart just as much as men. It's just that men take more pride in it than women do.

I've had my fair share of sphincturbulence. It always happens at the most inopportune times too. I hate that! I can remember being at jury duty one time, my stomach was growling, I had to fart, I ended up with a tickle in my throat and began coughing. What a fucking day!

And don't tell me that you've never itched your ass. I don't care how prissy and sweet you are, you've had an itch there at some point in your life! You did the same thing I did. You looked both ways to make sure no one was looking, grabbed your husbands toothbrush, and took care of that itch. Oh, that was too gross even for me.... I might not have used his toothbrush, but damn it I took care of that itch.

I guess what I'm trying to say with this less than savory blog post is.. be free girls. You're only human.

Say it loud and proud.........

"Yeah, I fart. What of it?"

"Yeah, I pee in the shower. Got a problem with that?"

and finally.. "Yeah, I itch my ass. And if you don't like it.. PISS OFF!"

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm Back In The Saddle Again!

It's been nine long months since the last time I added an entry to this blog. Can you believe that?? Nine months!! Though I do have an excuse for my absence. I was abducted by aliens and relentlessly probed for nine long months. Just kidding, working and blogging is just to damned difficult. My hat goes off to all of you faithful bloggers. To all of you that barely miss a day without an entry.. I tip my glass to you. I only have one question for you. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO IT?? But any-who, my construction season has finally ended and I'm back in the saddle again. So let's get on with it!! Let the foul mouth, truth spewing, bitch fest begin!! YEEHAW!

I looked up a couple of definitions this morning in regards to the person that will be the main topic of my blog entry today. This is what I found.

Main Entry: ass·hole
Pronunciation: \ˈas-ˌ(h)ōl\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 usually vulgar : anus
2 usually vulgar : a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person.

(slang), (mildly vulgar) One who has not figured out how to have fun. Someone who is so worried about little insignificant things as to ruin any fun that anyone around them may be having.

a person who is an idiot and shows it all too well.

I read the definitions very carefully, weighing one against the other. I had to think this through... which of these definitions fit?

When out of the clear blue sky.. I had an epiphany!!

This person, I will so lovingly refer to as "Mr. Shit-for-brains", fit all three!

Who is Mr. Shit-for-brains you ask? He's a coworker of mine. I'm only going to say "coworker", but I'm sure if he ever read this blog, or if anyone I work with ever read this blog, they'd know who I was talking about. I mean.. it's really not that hard to figure out. If you knew Mr. Shit-for-brains.. you'd understand.

Let me fill you in a bit. I want to help you get a feel for Mr. Shit-for-brains. The first time I met him was a real treat. Typically, when one individual meets another individual, there will be an exchange of words.
This is how our first meeting went.

Me: "Hello, My name is Mrs. Gripe. How are you doing today?"

Mr. Shit-for-brains: (Monotone voice) "Hi" (Followed by a blank stare)



(Very uncomfortable silence)

Me: "Well.. it was nice meeting you."

Mr. Shit-for-brains: (Monotone voice) "Yeah" (Blank stare continues)

Me: (Inner voice) "What the fuck was that??"

I've seen several of my coworkers try to tell Mr. Shit-for-brains a joke. Big mistake! He sits there and tries to analyze the joke. Never cracks a smile. He is completely socially retarded. His ass cheeks are clenched so tight, if you bent him over you couldn't even fit a Tic Tac up his ass.

Another thing I really hate about him is how rude he can be. He is so inconsiderate. I'll give you an example of how rude he is. One day I saw Mr. Shit-for-brains running all over the office like someone had dipped his balls in kerosene. I'm thinking to myself, "what's this idiot up to now?" I shook my head, ignored the idiot, and continued writing my report for the day. Then out of the blue, my pen gets ripped out of my hand in mid sentence. I was quite stunned to say the least. I looked up, and it was Mr. Shit-for-brains. He was examining my pen like a Forensic Scientist. I held back my anger and asked him calmly, "what are you doing?" The boss lost his pen and I'm trying to find it for him. Right then and there I wanted to punch his face in. But instead of following my urge to rip his head off.. I looked at him with disgust and told him to give me MY pen back so I could get back to work. He gave me my pen and then turned and started rifling through my office desk drawers. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS ASSHOLE??? I felt like I was under a criminal investigation. I can't even tell you how pissed off I was. Believe me, if I was going to take something.. it wouldn't be a fucking pen! The nerve of this idiot!

I wish you could see how he acts around me compared to how he acts around the boss. He's such a fake, brown-nosing, fucking idiot! He's so far up the bosses ass it makes me want to puke. I mentioned earlier that when someone tells a joke.. he just sits there, picking it apart. No smile, no laughter. You should see him when the boss tells a joke. Oh my, he laughs and laughs like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. Fucking moron.

There is no way I can mention all the things that this dickhead has put me or any of my coworkers through in one blog post. All I can say is that I'm soooooo happy to be laid off for a couple months. Just to get a break from him is a blessing. I don't think I could take much more. I've even been considering putting my name in with another company because of this asshole. I don't think I can put up with him for another year. Hell, you can't even tell the boss about him because he acts like two different people. He's one way around us and a totally different person around the boss.

I think there's going to be a "Mr. Shit-for-brains series" evolving in this blog. I need to get ALL the shit he's pulled with me off my chest.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Cat got your tongue?

Did you ever have someone decide to give you the silent treatment and you have no idea why? It's so damn confusing! You sit there wondering.. what did you do? When did you do it? Why did you do it?

Wait a minute...

It's one big mind fuck! Did you do anything?

Let me tell ya, I just went through this crazy shit for the past two days and it wasn't fun. My mind was twisting like a pretzel trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL I DID!

If you're wondering WHO was putting me through such anguish. It was none other than.. my beloved husband, better known as "Mr. Mime" around the house for the past two days. I didn't even realize he held such miming talents. Damn he's good!

He stomped around the house, he slammed doors, he wouldn't talk at all! My mother and Father came to visit and he just walked out of the room... didn't say hello or anything, which I thought was quite rude. Someone please throw me a bone, I was at a complete loss. I hate being put on the spot when I have company, especially when I don't even know what's going on.

I didn't say anything to Mr. Mime, I just let his mimelike behavior run its course. Two days went by, when out of the blue, Mr. Mime spoke.

I replied...


And looking quite confused I asked... Were you mad at me these past couple days? Did I do something to you, what's going on?

Mr. Mime answered...

No, you didn't do anything, I was just in a bad mood.

You've got to be kidding me?? He was just in a bad mood?! For two days?! So quietly, I resigned to accept Mr. Mimes explanation for his behavior. After two days of confusion, rigorous thinking, and brain stress, I was just too tired to question him any further.

......Just in a bad mood?

But why?


I guess some things will just remain a mystery.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The pervert within me

I violated a turkey yesterday, and yes.. I enjoyed it. My intent was to make my family a nice Sunday dinner, a BIG one, one that would make their mouths water and lips go SMACK!

Things started out innocent enough as I preheated the oven, but one thing seemed to lead to another, and by the time it was all was said and done, I felt dirty and in dire need to take a shower.

I don't want to mention any names, so to protect the innocent... let's just call said victim, Anita Butterball. She agreed to appear in this blog only, and I repeat ONLY.. under total anonymity.

I met Anita, of all places, at Walmart. It was the same day that I had the mental breakdown trying to pick out hot dogs. I was in a weak mental state at the time and Anita looked good, so I asked her if she wanted to come home with me. I'm not making excuses for my future actions where Anita is concerned, I'm just giving you a little background on how this all started. When we arrived back at my house I set Anita up in SMALL, but yet acceptable living quarters.

At first I wasn't sure if things were going to work out between us, she seemed cold, she had an almost frigid way about her. I talked to her about this, and we both agree that it would be best if I left her alone for a couple days. Just give her some time to warm up to me, let her emotions thaw out a bit.

I finally got the courage to check in on her after a couple days had passed. When our eyes met it was like magic, she had the ability to make my mouth water. I couldn't fight my urges anymore, so I picked her up into my arms and gave her a little squeeze, and let me tell ya, she was built! Anita had some meat on her bones, just the way I like it. None of that skin and bones shit for me. I was feeling quite kinky at the moment, I grabbed a pair of scissors and began to cut off her clothes. I can still picture the way she looked just sitting there, no words needed to be exchanged. She looked beautiful!

Anita pretended to be innocent, but I knew she was a dirty girl. I whispered... Dirty girls need to be cleaned. She didn't fight it, so I placed her into a lukewarm bath, and began to run my fingers over her soft, soft, skin. I know the way I worked my fingers all over her plump body must of gave her goosebumps, I could feel them, either that or she was covered in some strange (hopefully noncontagious) skin rash.

After that completely seductive bath, I wrapped her in a towel and began to pat her skin dry. The lust in my eyes was apparent, before I knew it I was grabbing the oil. Slowly I began slathering it all over her body. Anita giggled a bit, I heard a little squeak coming from her direction. I thought it was a giggle, it could have been her ass sliding against the cold metal sink, who knows. I was growing hungry for her like a ravenous tiger stalking his prey. Was there no end to my twisted ways? I couldn't stop myself.. as she lay there trusting me completely, she exposed her cavity, and with the stealth and speed of a leopard, I shoved an onion up her ass.

Needless to say, Anita and I didn't part on good terms. I learned a lot from this experience. How a regular person like myself could turn dark and dirty, I do apologize for this. Somehow I know what happened between us will turn out for the good. She can share her story with others, and warn them about the stranger to whom she trusted. God be with you Anita!! I'm truly sorry!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Walmart.. the evil empire!

First off, I want to apologize to all of you nice people that take time out of your busy schedules to comment on my blog. I'm usually a very attentive person, but lately I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to respond. I do appreciate your comments. I think I have a case of A.D.D... my mind is always going a million miles an hour. Either that or I'm fucking crazy.. take your pick. I'm cool with both.

Enough of that... on with the subject for tonight.

Does Walmart have an invisible "asshole vapor" that sprays people directly in the face as soon as they walk into the store? I cannot express to you how much I hate going to Walmart, I avoid it like the plague. From my experiences, people in Walmart are just down right rude! I have to admit, I think that I've actually been misted with the invisible "asshole vapor" too! As soon as I walk in, I turn into an asshole. It's almost as if I'm getting ready for the inevitable to happen, I'm on the denfense. I'm like a friggin' mother bear protecting her cub. Only... my cub is the shopping cart, if you get too close to my cart, you'll be pulling back a nub!

Even nice old ladies seem to turn into lunatics under the Walmart spell! Believe it or not.. I am a very patient and kind person. It takes a lot to get me fired up. You REALLY have to piss me off to get a reaction, and as much as I hate to say this, when I'm in Walmart, I've actually had the urge to run elderly people over with my cart. I've exercised extreme control many times at that damn store. I thought older people would understand what having 'manners' consists of better than anyone could. Take it from my own experience...THEY DON'T! They turn evil... then look at you like you're the asshole.

Have you ever witnessed someone having a mental breakdown trying to pick out hot dogs? I did on Thursday... good grief! I initially went to Walmart to pick up an X-box game for my youngest son. I thought since I was already there, I'd pick up a few groceries. BIG, BIG, MISTAKE! I was making homemade mac & cheese for my boys that day and decided to grab some hot dogs and make those for them too. What the hell was I thinking??? These two women were standing there in front of the hot dogs.. just staring at them. I don't like being rude, so I continued to browse some of the other food items, while giving them ample space to make their decision. They just stood there looking at them.. 5 minutes goes by... 6 minutes goes by... I'm getting a little irritated, but no biggy... they're bargain shoppers, right? 7 minutes goes by... 8 minutes goes by... I'm thinking, What the hell are they looking at??? Did the butcher wrap up his pecker by accident? GEEEEEEESH! I started bargaining with God.... please God, help these women pick out a pack of hot dogs and get me the hell out of this God forsaken place and I promise I'll never swear again!!

To make this very LONG story short, I did manage to get the hell out of there without skinning someones heel with my cart. They're damn lucky too, I'm a pretty good aim with the heel to cart thing. I managed to pick myself up a little treat too. I have to get my strength somewhere!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I'm not dead yet!


I really looked felt like a pile of shit for the past few days! Wow! I still don't feel 100% better, I feel dizzy... but that's natural, nothing to worry about.

I really want to blog right now, but I can't. My sweet angels <----- hahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaa... were on a two hour delay today because of the FUCKING RIDICULOUS temperatures around here. So I'm kind of behind schedule with things.

I shall return....... later.....

Saturday, February 28, 2009