Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Cat got your tongue?

Did you ever have someone decide to give you the silent treatment and you have no idea why? It's so damn confusing! You sit there wondering.. what did you do? When did you do it? Why did you do it?

Wait a minute...

It's one big mind fuck! Did you do anything?

Let me tell ya, I just went through this crazy shit for the past two days and it wasn't fun. My mind was twisting like a pretzel trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL I DID!

If you're wondering WHO was putting me through such anguish. It was none other than.. my beloved husband, better known as "Mr. Mime" around the house for the past two days. I didn't even realize he held such miming talents. Damn he's good!

He stomped around the house, he slammed doors, he wouldn't talk at all! My mother and Father came to visit and he just walked out of the room... didn't say hello or anything, which I thought was quite rude. Someone please throw me a bone, I was at a complete loss. I hate being put on the spot when I have company, especially when I don't even know what's going on.

I didn't say anything to Mr. Mime, I just let his mimelike behavior run its course. Two days went by, when out of the blue, Mr. Mime spoke.

I replied...


And looking quite confused I asked... Were you mad at me these past couple days? Did I do something to you, what's going on?

Mr. Mime answered...

No, you didn't do anything, I was just in a bad mood.

You've got to be kidding me?? He was just in a bad mood?! For two days?! So quietly, I resigned to accept Mr. Mimes explanation for his behavior. After two days of confusion, rigorous thinking, and brain stress, I was just too tired to question him any further.

......Just in a bad mood?

But why?


I guess some things will just remain a mystery.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The pervert within me

I violated a turkey yesterday, and yes.. I enjoyed it. My intent was to make my family a nice Sunday dinner, a BIG one, one that would make their mouths water and lips go SMACK!

Things started out innocent enough as I preheated the oven, but one thing seemed to lead to another, and by the time it was all was said and done, I felt dirty and in dire need to take a shower.

I don't want to mention any names, so to protect the innocent... let's just call said victim, Anita Butterball. She agreed to appear in this blog only, and I repeat ONLY.. under total anonymity.

I met Anita, of all places, at Walmart. It was the same day that I had the mental breakdown trying to pick out hot dogs. I was in a weak mental state at the time and Anita looked good, so I asked her if she wanted to come home with me. I'm not making excuses for my future actions where Anita is concerned, I'm just giving you a little background on how this all started. When we arrived back at my house I set Anita up in SMALL, but yet acceptable living quarters.

At first I wasn't sure if things were going to work out between us, she seemed cold, she had an almost frigid way about her. I talked to her about this, and we both agree that it would be best if I left her alone for a couple days. Just give her some time to warm up to me, let her emotions thaw out a bit.

I finally got the courage to check in on her after a couple days had passed. When our eyes met it was like magic, she had the ability to make my mouth water. I couldn't fight my urges anymore, so I picked her up into my arms and gave her a little squeeze, and let me tell ya, she was built! Anita had some meat on her bones, just the way I like it. None of that skin and bones shit for me. I was feeling quite kinky at the moment, I grabbed a pair of scissors and began to cut off her clothes. I can still picture the way she looked just sitting there, no words needed to be exchanged. She looked beautiful!

Anita pretended to be innocent, but I knew she was a dirty girl. I whispered... Dirty girls need to be cleaned. She didn't fight it, so I placed her into a lukewarm bath, and began to run my fingers over her soft, soft, skin. I know the way I worked my fingers all over her plump body must of gave her goosebumps, I could feel them, either that or she was covered in some strange (hopefully noncontagious) skin rash.

After that completely seductive bath, I wrapped her in a towel and began to pat her skin dry. The lust in my eyes was apparent, before I knew it I was grabbing the oil. Slowly I began slathering it all over her body. Anita giggled a bit, I heard a little squeak coming from her direction. I thought it was a giggle, it could have been her ass sliding against the cold metal sink, who knows. I was growing hungry for her like a ravenous tiger stalking his prey. Was there no end to my twisted ways? I couldn't stop myself.. as she lay there trusting me completely, she exposed her cavity, and with the stealth and speed of a leopard, I shoved an onion up her ass.

Needless to say, Anita and I didn't part on good terms. I learned a lot from this experience. How a regular person like myself could turn dark and dirty, I do apologize for this. Somehow I know what happened between us will turn out for the good. She can share her story with others, and warn them about the stranger to whom she trusted. God be with you Anita!! I'm truly sorry!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Walmart.. the evil empire!

First off, I want to apologize to all of you nice people that take time out of your busy schedules to comment on my blog. I'm usually a very attentive person, but lately I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to respond. I do appreciate your comments. I think I have a case of A.D.D... my mind is always going a million miles an hour. Either that or I'm fucking crazy.. take your pick. I'm cool with both.

Enough of that... on with the subject for tonight.

Does Walmart have an invisible "asshole vapor" that sprays people directly in the face as soon as they walk into the store? I cannot express to you how much I hate going to Walmart, I avoid it like the plague. From my experiences, people in Walmart are just down right rude! I have to admit, I think that I've actually been misted with the invisible "asshole vapor" too! As soon as I walk in, I turn into an asshole. It's almost as if I'm getting ready for the inevitable to happen, I'm on the denfense. I'm like a friggin' mother bear protecting her cub. Only... my cub is the shopping cart, if you get too close to my cart, you'll be pulling back a nub!

Even nice old ladies seem to turn into lunatics under the Walmart spell! Believe it or not.. I am a very patient and kind person. It takes a lot to get me fired up. You REALLY have to piss me off to get a reaction, and as much as I hate to say this, when I'm in Walmart, I've actually had the urge to run elderly people over with my cart. I've exercised extreme control many times at that damn store. I thought older people would understand what having 'manners' consists of better than anyone could. Take it from my own experience...THEY DON'T! They turn evil... then look at you like you're the asshole.

Have you ever witnessed someone having a mental breakdown trying to pick out hot dogs? I did on Thursday... good grief! I initially went to Walmart to pick up an X-box game for my youngest son. I thought since I was already there, I'd pick up a few groceries. BIG, BIG, MISTAKE! I was making homemade mac & cheese for my boys that day and decided to grab some hot dogs and make those for them too. What the hell was I thinking??? These two women were standing there in front of the hot dogs.. just staring at them. I don't like being rude, so I continued to browse some of the other food items, while giving them ample space to make their decision. They just stood there looking at them.. 5 minutes goes by... 6 minutes goes by... I'm getting a little irritated, but no biggy... they're bargain shoppers, right? 7 minutes goes by... 8 minutes goes by... I'm thinking, What the hell are they looking at??? Did the butcher wrap up his pecker by accident? GEEEEEEESH! I started bargaining with God.... please God, help these women pick out a pack of hot dogs and get me the hell out of this God forsaken place and I promise I'll never swear again!!

To make this very LONG story short, I did manage to get the hell out of there without skinning someones heel with my cart. They're damn lucky too, I'm a pretty good aim with the heel to cart thing. I managed to pick myself up a little treat too. I have to get my strength somewhere!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I'm not dead yet!


I really looked felt like a pile of shit for the past few days! Wow! I still don't feel 100% better, I feel dizzy... but that's natural, nothing to worry about.

I really want to blog right now, but I can't. My sweet angels <----- hahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaa... were on a two hour delay today because of the FUCKING RIDICULOUS temperatures around here. So I'm kind of behind schedule with things.

I shall return....... later.....

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

Symptoms Of Hypothermia, ask my ass.

Why does living in a male dominated house have to be so frustrating? Do they not hear my requests... or are they ignoring me?

Me: "Could you all do me the courtesy of putting the toilet seat down after you're finished going to the bathroom?"

Husband: "I never leave the toilet seat up, it must have been one of the kids."

Son #1: "It wasn't me, I get blamed for everything, Dad was the last one in the bathroom!"

Son #2: "It must have been some drunk guy that broke into the house, cuz it WASN'T
me Mommy."

So with that, I retreat back to my normal duties, hoping they've retained something from the conversation. I really can't take any more surprises in the wee hours of the morning. My ass can't take it! I feel bad for my ass.. here I am stumbling out of bed at 2am, my eyes are so squinty you could blindfold me with dental floss. I finally find the bathroom, sort of like a blind person without a cane, and WHAMMO my poor ass is plunged into what feels like ice water.

Needless to say...

I had to take matters into my own hands.

With that problem solved it's on to the next.....

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

With wisdom comes saggy nuts.

Well.. I made it through my first day at winter school. It was completely unfuckingbearable! <---(I learned that from blognut, she's such a potty mouth) ;) The teachers were all very knowledgeable, had years of experience, and were so damn old I know their balls were bouncing off their knees when they walked. I was trying to pay close attention and be a good student, but my mind kept picturing these old, saggy, wrinkled, prune looking, balls swaying back and forth. I'll try harder tomorrow.....

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Laid off and loving it!

As most of you know, my work is seasonal. As soon as the snow starts to melt and the birds start to sing their sweet, sweet, songs of spring.. I'll be back in full swing. Looking at hairy carpenter cracks, chewed up chunks of Vienna sausage stuck in unkempt beards, chins that bathe at the Copenhagen hotsprings, sweat rings that can reach unbelievable proportions, and the brilliant sparkle of four remaining teeth glinting at me in the morning sun. Ahhhh, those are the memories I hold close to my heart.. I'm getting all choked up just thinking about it. God I miss those guys!

But anyway... this has got me to thinking about how I seem to change whenever I'm laid off. The first thing I noticed is how my appearance changes. When I'm working, I always keep myself looking top notch. Why.. you ask? Considering what I'm faced with on a day to day basis, my only reply to that would be, I'm a f*cking idiot. I guess in all honesty it's because I'm the type of person that doesn't like to go out in public looking all sloppy & grubby. But here's the kicker.. when I'm laid off I tend to look like a bag lady. Let's talk about my hair for instance.. when I take my dogs outside to pee, I see how the birds are looking at me. They're looking at my hair like they just spotted the best piece of real estate their beady little eyes ever did see! Listen birds! My head is not a nesting ground!!

Then there's the clothing I wear when I'm laid off. Nothing ever matches! Looking good isn't even a priority anymore. It's all about comfort from that point on. Take it from me, right now.. I AM COMFORTABLE! I'm dressed so comfortable that I probably scared the Verizon service technician that came to my house today. First of all, my damn husband was suppose to be home to deal with the guy so I didn't have to frighten an innocent man. But as I was getting ready to choke the chicken prepare baked chicken I realized I was out of Reynolds oven bags. So I had to send my hubby to the store.. If you saw the way I looked you'd understand why I didn't go myself. I did the supermarket a big favor by not showing up there. When customers are nauseated, food doesn't sell that well. As far as mentally scarring that Verizon guy, screw him, I didn't know him and he didn't know me. Plus, I didn't compromise my comfort level today.

My bedroom even changes when I'm laid off. It's not just a bedroom right now.. it's a habitat. I have snacks scattered about, some cups here and there for my beverages... don't look at me that way! I'm entitled to a late night smorgasbord while watching movies! What a sight I must be at bedtime, laying there with my mismatched, BUT COMFY clothes, munching on Doritos and sippin' on an ice cold rum & coke iced tea.

There's some bad news to this happy lil' thing I got going. I have to get up early for the next two days. My company is sending me to one of those boring refresher type courses... they call it winter school. The kind where you have drool coming out of your mouth after the first hour. I can't wait to hear about all the new developments in concrete, asphalt, and maybe ass crack technologies.

By the way, if you didn't get to participate in the blogging story, please do. The story is getting hot and heavy... I can't let Sam go that easy, I want to hear what happens next! I'll be keeping this link open til hell freezes over if I have to.

and by the way.. WTF is up with the text on all of my past posts.. it's really friggin' small now. Christ..

Monday, February 23, 2009

Blogging Story... Come one, Come all!!

It was a morning like any other morning as I sat down at my computer. I had just poured my first cup of coffee.. when suddenly there was a knock at the door. I felt quite irritated by this. After all, My hair was a mess, and I was still wearing those God awful pink panther jammies that I'd been given as a birthday gift over five years ago.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

My CopyCat Post... Just cuz it was sooo damn funny!

One of my favorite bloggers... blognut, had one of the most hilarious posts tonight. It seems that it can be a fun little game to type in "your name" and the word "needs" in the Google search engine. The results are really funny! When I read blognut's results over at her "More Mindless Rambling" site.. I laughed my ass off and I had to do it myself!

Here are my results.......

Teresa needs to lay off the sauce
Directly under that title it said: Here's a better question...has Teresa EVER had a real job? And no, gold digger doesn't count! Teresa STAY OFF THE SAUCE! ...
(Geesh! They were a little hard on me don't you think? and NO that isn't a rum & coke behind my back!)

Teresa needs one more miracle to become a saint
(I need more than ONE! They don't know me very well.)

Teresa needs rhubarb and cement to make this happen
(All I can say is... WTF? I'm not even gonna touch that one.)

Teresa needs an Exorcist
(Ya know.. under severe stress my head does have a tendency to spin around.)

Teresa needs to know, has Jack ever gotten anywhere with a woman, and if so, to what base did he get? He almost went all the way with a girl, he says, ...
(I have a question, why do I need to know? And more importantly.. who the hell is Jack?)

Teresa needs a strait jacket
(I guess they do know me pretty well.)

Everyone in bloggerland ought to try this... I'd love to hear what Google has to say about you!! ;)

Friday, February 20, 2009

Insomniac... Yeah, that be me!

They make Tylenol PM for people that are too bat shit crazy for regular Tylenol. The first step is to admit you have a problem...

"Hi my name is Mrs. Gripe, and I am a NON-SLEEPER!"

Why have I been cursed with this problem? No matter what I do.. I never, ever, get a full nights sleep. I've tried numerous things, But NOTHING seems to work. I've done the "don't drink anything that contains caffeine" suggestion. Did it work.. you ask? NO! I deprived myself of caffeine and still ended up laying there counting the bedroom ceiling tiles. Plus.. any time someone would ask me a question, I ended up snapping at them and looking a lot like this......

I tried the "run yourself ragged" suggestion. I did to MYSELF what I used to have do to my children when they were toddlers. Keep myself busy, busy, busy, all day! Running here and there, trying to break myself down slowly so I'd have no choice but to be sleepy when the time came. I created a consistent bedtime, I read myself a bedtime story and when that failed I took myself out for a midnight drive. The midnight drive worked, but I realized it wasn't such a good idea when I nodded off for a moment only to be awakened by a pair of headlights coming straight for me....

Then there was this suggestion.. "Turn off ALL the lights so it's pitch black, NO T.V... the television is a distraction, you cant be watching T.V. because it will STIMULATE you too much." What the hell do they think I'm watching, Long Dong Silver?? I was against the no T.V. deal, but I was willing to try anything.
So I turn off the television, I shut out every light, and I settle myself into bed.
As I was laying there for two hours I realized something... Did you know that dead silence has a sound?????? It sounds a little like a high pitched ringing or buzzing! Was I hearing the ringing in my ears? Who the hell knows... All I know is that if you would have peeked through my bedroom window that night you would have seen this.......

Even after going through all that, I'm back to square one. I have to take 3 Tylenol PM tablets just to keep myself asleep until around 2:00 AM. Even this has its drawbacks. I noticed that after I take these tablets and they start to kick in, I suddenly get the munchies! What's up with that?? They don't warn you that if you take this medication you could end up gaining 50 lbs in a month or the dangers of chewing on your husbands leg while dreaming of a bucket of KFC.

I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll just have to deal with it. If anyone out there has any new suggestions... let me in on them. Otherwise my husband could end up with a wooden leg.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Someone help me! I need a good laugh!

I am soooooo stressed out right now, I'm a nervous wreck! Did you ever have one of those days.... before 10:AM????? That's what kind of day I'm having. Nothing is going right! Plus.. to add to my stress, I've had 4 calls today from various engineering firms wanting to discuss their companies. Wanting me to elaborate on all my schooling, projects that I've worked on, etc. etc. Now I'm nervous... I know what company I'll be working with this year, but did I make the right choice??
I've been running it through my head over and over. Most of the other companies would require that I work away... I have children, I can't be traipsing all over the countryside. By the time I was done talking to everyone I started to sound like this......

I have a bunch of crap going through my mind right now. I need a good laugh today, care to take the challenge?? Help! ( Did I mention I'm out of RUM ?)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I'm graphically challenged take two!

As you know from yesterdays.. "I'm graphically challenged" post, I had blood coming out my ears trying to create a background. I ended up making a half-assed pink background, which my MUCH TOO KIND blogging buddies commented was kinda cute and that they liked it. If you read yesterdays post you already know that I was bitching about not having a good program to work with. So today I ordered a program for shits and giggles.. it only cost me $29.00. The program is called PhotoMix and was really easy to use.

Here is my second attempt at making a background. As you can see it isn't as generic as the first try. Plus.. there's no blood coming out of my ears today!! Can you believe it?

Another thing I just noticed, my monitor is a 22".. if you have a small monitor, you won't be able to view my second attempt at making a background. It cuts the background out.. trial and error people!

Monday, February 16, 2009

I'm graphically challenged!

If you looked inside my head right now.. ya wanna know what you'd see?? A friggin' hamster running on a wheel. I was feeling bored this evening and thought I'd give my blog a little makeover. So I'm browsing the Internet looking for a site that has nice backgrounds and I came across a really great site called thecutestblogontheblock. As you can see I found a really cute background there, and with GREAT EASE made the changes.
Well.. being the pea-brain that I am, this is what I started to think...

My inner voice: "Hey.. that was easy, I'll bet it's SUPER EASY to make a background!" "You're bored, why don't you go ahead and give it a shot!"

So I proceed to follow the directions: "How to make your own background." The cutestblogontheblock gives directions on their site for doing this. I don't have any of the fancy photoshop software, so I do what the directions say to do, Download a program called Paint.NET.

Holy shit, what a can of worms I opened up. I am graphically retarded! I'm pissing around, and pissing around with this program for two hours! I managed to finally make a background. The problem is.. I clicked so many buttons, I have no idea how the hell I did it. So the moral of my story is....DON'T TRY AND MAKE A BACKGROUND IF YOU DON'T OWN ANY GOOD SOFTWARE! Just a little heads up for my blogging buddies before they do what I did and end up with blood coming out their ears from thinking too hard.

If you want to see the lame-ass background that took me TWO HOURS to create click here!

P.S. It's my blog test site... Better than screwing up my regular blog.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Life sucks and then you die!

I'm feeling really bummed out today. As winter draws to a close and spring is fast approaching most people are jumping for joy. Hell, everyone jumps for joy, right?? Why the hell can't I jump for joy too damnit!? Well I'll tell you why...
When spring hits, I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK! The engineering company that I currently work for called today.

My Boss: "Hey, how ya holding up??" "I just wanted to call and check up on you." "Are you anxious to get back to work?"

Me: "Awww shit!!" "Why the hell did I answer the phone??" "What the fuck was I thinking??" "Hey John, it's so good to hear from you." "Yeah.. I've been sooo bored sitting around the house, of course I'm anxious to get back to work!"

This bites the big one!!! The feeling that I got from him on the phone was that I'd be returning to work in March. I'm the only one around these parts that's praying for another 10 ft of snow to fall. I really enjoy being able to spend time with my children. Thinking of leaving them again really upsets me. I'm not being overly dramatic about this. I've been known to work a 17 hour day. Saturdays and Sundays are not off limits either. It's not like I have a choice in the matter, I have to do it. I need that money to provide for my family. It takes two people now-a-days to make a go of it.

I mean.. would you be anxious to get back to lookin' at THIS? My job is to inspect the construction of bridge work and roadway/interstates. But I think my job title should be "Crack inspector." I have to look at this shit day in and day out and pretend like I didn't see it! I think I've seen every shape, size, dimension, dirty, clean, hairy, hairless, bumpy, smooth, deformed, disgusting ass crack that ever popped its ugly head out.

The funny thing is, I've never encountered a crack like this. Huh.. Go figure. Is life trying to play a funny joke on me? If it is... It's NOT FUCKIN' FUNNY! I mean.. the work place could be so much more pleasant with a crack like that around. So much easier on the eyes, don't ya think? I could hear myself now... ummm, excuse me, those dimensions don't seem to be right. Could you remeasure that for me again? AND AGAIN? AND AGAIN? I'd have him bending over so much he'd probably end up with a friggin' hump on his back. Poor guy would end up looking like Quasimodo.

If the ugly ass cracks weren't enough, I have to try not to barf when confronted by the unkept bearded guys. NO NOOOO! If I have to suffer through this nightmare, you can at least hear me out. Don't try to click off my blog just because you barfed in your mouth a little. Toughen up! We are now going to discuss FROZEN SNOT, yes I said FROZEN SNOT! I have to look these guys in the face while feeling my stomach juices slowly eeking up my throat. Don't even think about going near them right after lunch. I've seen every food product imaginable stuck to the front of their faces! I really don't think you want me to get into the snuff dribblers. This is not a job for a weak stomach.

Then there's dealing with the infamous... Male Chauvinist!
Definition: a male who patronizes, disparages, or otherwise denigrates females in the belief that they are inferior to males and thus deserving of less than equal treatment or benefit.
I have gone through 7 long years of this shit. It gets very tiring to deal with this on a day to day basis. I've walked out onto job sites and been laughed at, cat called, and out right hated before even being spoken to. Some men don't take to kindly to having a woman directing their work. But that's OK, how do you think I learned to cuss like a sailor? You learn to toughen up real quick out there.
In all fairness, I have to mention the "nice guys." For every 1 male chauvinist pig, there are 30 really great guys. Respectful, fair, pleasant and not threatened at all by a woman. That's good, because as far as my job title goes. I'm usually the only woman there. It can be lonely... so it's a relief to have some nice people to talk to.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up and go back to my miserable existence at work. Unless I can come up with another means to bring home the bacon.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My husband ... the true romantic.

"Happy Valentines Day sweetheart, I bought these especially for you!"

""Whats that?" "This is a dinner you'll never forget?" "Have some more Chardonnay."

"Do you like what I've done with the bedroom? I knew you'd be surprised."

"I've been a dirty boy, get in here and lather me up."

"I bought something sexy to wear, you won't believe your eyes!"

"You bought me a little something too? " I can't believe you were able to find my size!"

OK, OK, So I embellished with the pictures a little, but for the most part it was all true, See for yourself.

"Happy Valentines Day sweetheart, I bought these especially for you!"

""Whats that?" "This is a dinner you'll never forget?" "Have some more Chardonnay."

"Do you like what I've done with the bedroom? I knew you'd be surprised."

"I've been a dirty boy, get in here and lather me up."

"I bought something sexy to wear, you won't believe your eyes!

"You bought me a little something too? " I can't believe you were able to find my size!"