Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Cat got your tongue?

Did you ever have someone decide to give you the silent treatment and you have no idea why? It's so damn confusing! You sit there wondering.. what did you do? When did you do it? Why did you do it?

Wait a minute...

It's one big mind fuck! Did you do anything?

Let me tell ya, I just went through this crazy shit for the past two days and it wasn't fun. My mind was twisting like a pretzel trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL I DID!

If you're wondering WHO was putting me through such anguish. It was none other than.. my beloved husband, better known as "Mr. Mime" around the house for the past two days. I didn't even realize he held such miming talents. Damn he's good!

He stomped around the house, he slammed doors, he wouldn't talk at all! My mother and Father came to visit and he just walked out of the room... didn't say hello or anything, which I thought was quite rude. Someone please throw me a bone, I was at a complete loss. I hate being put on the spot when I have company, especially when I don't even know what's going on.

I didn't say anything to Mr. Mime, I just let his mimelike behavior run its course. Two days went by, when out of the blue, Mr. Mime spoke.

I replied...


And looking quite confused I asked... Were you mad at me these past couple days? Did I do something to you, what's going on?

Mr. Mime answered...

No, you didn't do anything, I was just in a bad mood.

You've got to be kidding me?? He was just in a bad mood?! For two days?! So quietly, I resigned to accept Mr. Mimes explanation for his behavior. After two days of confusion, rigorous thinking, and brain stress, I was just too tired to question him any further.

......Just in a bad mood?

But why?


I guess some things will just remain a mystery.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The pervert within me

I violated a turkey yesterday, and yes.. I enjoyed it. My intent was to make my family a nice Sunday dinner, a BIG one, one that would make their mouths water and lips go SMACK!

Things started out innocent enough as I preheated the oven, but one thing seemed to lead to another, and by the time it was all was said and done, I felt dirty and in dire need to take a shower.

I don't want to mention any names, so to protect the innocent... let's just call said victim, Anita Butterball. She agreed to appear in this blog only, and I repeat ONLY.. under total anonymity.

I met Anita, of all places, at Walmart. It was the same day that I had the mental breakdown trying to pick out hot dogs. I was in a weak mental state at the time and Anita looked good, so I asked her if she wanted to come home with me. I'm not making excuses for my future actions where Anita is concerned, I'm just giving you a little background on how this all started. When we arrived back at my house I set Anita up in SMALL, but yet acceptable living quarters.

At first I wasn't sure if things were going to work out between us, she seemed cold, she had an almost frigid way about her. I talked to her about this, and we both agree that it would be best if I left her alone for a couple days. Just give her some time to warm up to me, let her emotions thaw out a bit.

I finally got the courage to check in on her after a couple days had passed. When our eyes met it was like magic, she had the ability to make my mouth water. I couldn't fight my urges anymore, so I picked her up into my arms and gave her a little squeeze, and let me tell ya, she was built! Anita had some meat on her bones, just the way I like it. None of that skin and bones shit for me. I was feeling quite kinky at the moment, I grabbed a pair of scissors and began to cut off her clothes. I can still picture the way she looked just sitting there, no words needed to be exchanged. She looked beautiful!

Anita pretended to be innocent, but I knew she was a dirty girl. I whispered... Dirty girls need to be cleaned. She didn't fight it, so I placed her into a lukewarm bath, and began to run my fingers over her soft, soft, skin. I know the way I worked my fingers all over her plump body must of gave her goosebumps, I could feel them, either that or she was covered in some strange (hopefully noncontagious) skin rash.

After that completely seductive bath, I wrapped her in a towel and began to pat her skin dry. The lust in my eyes was apparent, before I knew it I was grabbing the oil. Slowly I began slathering it all over her body. Anita giggled a bit, I heard a little squeak coming from her direction. I thought it was a giggle, it could have been her ass sliding against the cold metal sink, who knows. I was growing hungry for her like a ravenous tiger stalking his prey. Was there no end to my twisted ways? I couldn't stop myself.. as she lay there trusting me completely, she exposed her cavity, and with the stealth and speed of a leopard, I shoved an onion up her ass.

Needless to say, Anita and I didn't part on good terms. I learned a lot from this experience. How a regular person like myself could turn dark and dirty, I do apologize for this. Somehow I know what happened between us will turn out for the good. She can share her story with others, and warn them about the stranger to whom she trusted. God be with you Anita!! I'm truly sorry!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Walmart.. the evil empire!

First off, I want to apologize to all of you nice people that take time out of your busy schedules to comment on my blog. I'm usually a very attentive person, but lately I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to respond. I do appreciate your comments. I think I have a case of A.D.D... my mind is always going a million miles an hour. Either that or I'm fucking crazy.. take your pick. I'm cool with both.

Enough of that... on with the subject for tonight.

Does Walmart have an invisible "asshole vapor" that sprays people directly in the face as soon as they walk into the store? I cannot express to you how much I hate going to Walmart, I avoid it like the plague. From my experiences, people in Walmart are just down right rude! I have to admit, I think that I've actually been misted with the invisible "asshole vapor" too! As soon as I walk in, I turn into an asshole. It's almost as if I'm getting ready for the inevitable to happen, I'm on the denfense. I'm like a friggin' mother bear protecting her cub. Only... my cub is the shopping cart, if you get too close to my cart, you'll be pulling back a nub!

Even nice old ladies seem to turn into lunatics under the Walmart spell! Believe it or not.. I am a very patient and kind person. It takes a lot to get me fired up. You REALLY have to piss me off to get a reaction, and as much as I hate to say this, when I'm in Walmart, I've actually had the urge to run elderly people over with my cart. I've exercised extreme control many times at that damn store. I thought older people would understand what having 'manners' consists of better than anyone could. Take it from my own experience...THEY DON'T! They turn evil... then look at you like you're the asshole.

Have you ever witnessed someone having a mental breakdown trying to pick out hot dogs? I did on Thursday... good grief! I initially went to Walmart to pick up an X-box game for my youngest son. I thought since I was already there, I'd pick up a few groceries. BIG, BIG, MISTAKE! I was making homemade mac & cheese for my boys that day and decided to grab some hot dogs and make those for them too. What the hell was I thinking??? These two women were standing there in front of the hot dogs.. just staring at them. I don't like being rude, so I continued to browse some of the other food items, while giving them ample space to make their decision. They just stood there looking at them.. 5 minutes goes by... 6 minutes goes by... I'm getting a little irritated, but no biggy... they're bargain shoppers, right? 7 minutes goes by... 8 minutes goes by... I'm thinking, What the hell are they looking at??? Did the butcher wrap up his pecker by accident? GEEEEEEESH! I started bargaining with God.... please God, help these women pick out a pack of hot dogs and get me the hell out of this God forsaken place and I promise I'll never swear again!!

To make this very LONG story short, I did manage to get the hell out of there without skinning someones heel with my cart. They're damn lucky too, I'm a pretty good aim with the heel to cart thing. I managed to pick myself up a little treat too. I have to get my strength somewhere!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I'm not dead yet!


I really looked felt like a pile of shit for the past few days! Wow! I still don't feel 100% better, I feel dizzy... but that's natural, nothing to worry about.

I really want to blog right now, but I can't. My sweet angels <----- hahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaa... were on a two hour delay today because of the FUCKING RIDICULOUS temperatures around here. So I'm kind of behind schedule with things.

I shall return....... later.....